i want unity...

i don't feel like this version of me can live to 21.
i am going to change utterly and completely.

sociology and politics is all about society and its many defects.
it does keep me entertained, but at the same time i wonder at what cost does this entertainment come? i've decided that if i was to become a psychologist (god willing that never happens) i would be so blunt towards peoples issues it would be almost distasteful. black box recorder has an amazing song called child psychology. it would probably outline best the outcome of all these years of questioning and doubt. "kill yourself or get over it." needless to say i hope that the psychology department of the university never determines this... i am probably going to be a registered psychologist at some stage. despite my protests. and it would aid me greatly to not have to defend myself in an ethical debate, especially when i am so lax in my ethical standards...

being laden with ethics seems like a waste of a good life to me. conventional is another way of saying uninteresting in my books and the last thing on earth i need is to be uninteresting. i am so necessarily attention-seeking that i'd probably die if it was to happen. very very quickly.

sociology and politics... we've just past through a unit on risk society and the internal risks of global warming and nuclear war.

as far as i'm concerned, if global warming incited by humans truly does reduce the population of the world to just over 1 billion, then the world is a better place for it... even if me or my offspring is one of the victims. and if you think that i'm cold, it is only because to me the nature of the world is something worth maintaining. not that i would not love my children.

i think that one day the world will very suddenly and cataclysmically come to an end without anyone realising it. i keep imagining it in the most serene places. it is just a palatable dimension of my existence. that nothing could ever stop it. i will probably die before it happens. but some part of me actually wants to witness it. or at least be alive for it.

when i'm 81, sitting in bed watching the sun rise, i want to know the utter destruction of the earth and all it's inhabitants. thats how i'd want it to happen anyway.

new sheets always make me feel safer.
there's a benevolence in the warmth.
i have some and i slept well.
and slept in until 9. so i could slowly get out of the house and come to uni.

last night i realised how utterly incapable of sleeping i am without having done some exercise. i layed there for an hour thinking about it.
i slept well...

i hope it doesn't rain. at least not until tonight.
i hope there is no tonight, because i really don't want to go home.
i just want some new sheets...

... once i was at the beach and my mother pointed out an attractive guy with his attractive girlfriend and said ...

... " if you worked on your body, you could be like him. don't worry, it's ok to look sometimes. " ...

i have a lot of work to do. i think that in about 3-4 months i won't have to exercise so hard. just maintainance.

maybe i will be in a nice house then. maybe i will be in a position to enjoy university content again. maybe i will be going home for a few happy months.

i believe that innocence is the greatest gift given to man.
because with it all other people will alter their course.

it is a matter of maintainance and control and that is all.
if you are ignorant and innocent, then you are pitiful but happy.
i know innocence and act innocent.

and i cringe at taking innocence away. because i am like all people.
this is the place where i can think out loud. and maybe thats the way it should be.

... "heaven smiles above me. what a gift, here below. no one knows." ...

once there was a fat boy.
he grew up into a place he can't remember.
when he sat down he leant far forward.
there wasn't a person who understood him.
those who said they did, couldn't. teachers knew of him.
there was no one who knew what was inside the boy.
no one but him.
and it was lonely.

friends were friends in ideal. in what way did they know him?
in what ways did they know the boy?

he moved a lot. 15 houses in fewer years.
no one to trust. his family was an ideal. they tried where they could.
no one was with the boy. and no one could possibly see how he was suffering.
it slowly became resignation. no one was coming. and no one did.
the boy knew life was material and that material could be changed and become pleasing.
the boy knew that change was action. and that then; he could not act.

where was the boy to go?
to silence. to deafening mute silence.
to the knowledge of time passing and possibilities with them.
the boy knew life was pointless.

but then he loved someone. and he developed an understanding of love.
love was sacrfice and was absolute.
if he couldn't care about life, he could care about loving.
and about being held.
permenance was valued, and was interpreted as recognition.
attention. he got attention. whatever he could get he took.

his parents had divorced when he was young.
being held was love.

there is so many things he had learnt in silence.
how to disappear. and how to be heard.
through pity and through inference of emotion.
there is so much to gain from these things. and that is how he was heard.
that is how he contained love.
these habits die hard.

life developed and the boy grew older.
many loves and much time past. they both became vain.
and it became harder to accept them leaving him.
and his life became harder to scale.
thought became loathsome. the boy knew what thought did to people...
it was a necessity.

where thought failed, existence took its place.
life simply went on without analysis.
and the boy found that material is better that non-existence.
and that ether can't metaphorically choke those who aren't paying attention.
there is power in ignorance.
and selectively, discretely, life could be modeled and ignored.
direction for an easier life in future.

i miss love. i want to be held so much...
i am not fat anymore. i don't see myself that way.
i am stronger, but people don't love me any more than before.
this is the story of ryan chandler. i grew up.
today is in a state of decline.
i hold back tears.